Helmut Goes Abroad Read online

  Willie, who had stood behind me cowering while we were being menaced, was now busy pulling the shoes off our beaten foes. The girls didn’t seem particularly rattled by the physicality of the encounter. If anything, they were even more eager to go back to the hotel. I couldn’t have planned the evening any better. Too bad for unforeseen circumstances.

  Chapter Thirteen

  I woke up alone on a foldout couch. What happened, you ask? Ramón and his antiquated views on sex happened, but probably not the way you’re thinking. It started when we got back to the room. A final round of drinks was poured by Shamus as we sat in the living area and let the girls acclimate to their surroundings. Then I made the mistake of using the facilities. When I came out, Ramón was alone in the room with a drink in one hand and a book in the other. There were two bedrooms in the suite, and with Sha gone and one of the bedroom doors closed, the craziest thought occurred to me first.

  “Did the girls all go back to Sha’s room?” I actually would have been okay with that.

  “Of course not, Helmut. He’s in a committed relationship. He went to bed as soon as you excused yourself.”

  “Yeah, but we’re outside our area code.” He just looked at me blankly. “Fine, whatever.” I looked around for effect. “Where are the girls then?”

  “They went home.” He went back to reading.

  “What do you mean ‘they went home’?”

  “Well, not home—back to their hotel.”

  I threw up my hands. “I don’t care about the semantics. Why did they leave?”

  “I gave them a little speech about saving themselves for someone special and sent them away.”

  I was flabbergasted. “I am someone special. This would have been the kind of night they would have shared with their children’s children. And anyway, I doubt they had anything to save at this point.”

  He gave me a sympathetic smile. “I’m sorry, brother, but I need you on top of your game, mentally as well as physically. We are going into a quite possibly rough situation, and as you well know, sex before a fight leaves your legs weak.”

  My mouth opened and closed a few times. I had heard that nonsense in the past, but never from him, so at first, I wasn’t completely sure he was being straight with me. I went and checked the kitchen, then the bathroom. I realize I had been in the bathroom, and they couldn’t possibly have been there, but I checked anyway. I even poked my head out the door to see if they had waited around. They hadn’t. When I came back in, Ramón had retired to the other bedroom, leaving me with the foldout couch and no bed warmer.

  Ridiculous, right? I wasn’t happy, but there was nothing I could do about it. At least Ramón slept in a bit the next morning. He woke me with a rough shake at dawn. He let my eyes come into focus before speaking.

  “I felt bad about last night, so I let you sleep in.” He pointed at the table. “I made us some coffee. Hurry up and drink it, so we can go for a run.”

  I knew without asking we were taking the stairs. That was his idea of warming up. Before leaving he hung the sign on the door asking for prompt cleaning. A backdoor wake-up call for Sha.

  Sunrise on the beach was beautiful. The sky was painted with orange and pink pastels over white-sand beaches and clear blue seas. Unfortunately, I wasn’t with the right person to enjoy the scenery with. He did tell me to pick up the pace a few times. It wasn’t like I was falling behind. It was probably just habit for him. We did about eight or nine kilometers and were back in the hotel within a half hour. We took the stairs on the way back up too. It was our cooldown.

  The maids’ cart was outside our door when we arrived, and inside we found Shamus and Willie at the table eating breakfast and reading the paper. Shamus glared at us and Willie growled, then they both went back to their meal. The table was covered with silver platters. Shamus had four open in front of him and two in front of the dog, and they were both sampling a variety of dishes. He also had a few empty minibar whiskeys next to his coffee cup.

  “What are you doing up so early, buddy?” I just couldn’t help myself.

  “Apparently the maids thought I needed my room cleaned yesterday. I’m not sure where they would get an idea like that.” The look he gave me implied he knew exactly why. “I figured while I was up, I might as well try one of every breakfast on the menu. I hope the Alliance bookkeepers don’t mind. I probably won’t get to them all if you guys are hungry.”

  The few untouched platters that were at the far end of the table contained various omelets with potatoes and bacon, and Ramón and I ate our fill.

  As we ate, he broke the news to Sha that the vacation was over. I had found out the night before. “We had our day of fun, but now it’s time to get down to business. Let’s pack up and head out. We’ve got a train to catch and some bones to find.”

  I had honestly forgotten about those stupid bones. Being reminded that finding them was our mission was like having a bucket of cold water thrown on my head—and thanks to Sha I knew exactly what that felt like. Shamus wasn’t in much of a hurry to start in on the search either. He dragged the meal out as long as he could, but eventually the coffee was gone, and the newspaper had been read and he couldn’t shovel in another bite.

  The rest of the day was a blur of bad food, various forms of transportation and lots of hurry up and wait. It wasn’t till late that evening that our bus pulled into the station in Calabria. We trudged off the bus and were dragging our luggage through the lobby when we were met by a sight both wonderful and hideous. A large man in a woman’s pantsuit and driver’s cap, holding up a sign with our names on it.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Initially all I saw was a very unattractive woman in an ill-fitting suit, but Shamus saw through Hector’s glamour right away, and once he pointed it out to me, I couldn’t miss it. Hector is, of course, the cross-dressing member of Alek’s special forces team. Now, he’s not always dressed like a woman; but given even the slightest opportunity, he chooses to wear a skirt and play the part of the gentler sex.

  “Hector, you know you look ridiculous, right?” Ramón said as we approached.

  “How did you know it was me?” Hector did a pouty frown. “I even shaved.” He had three growths on his chin, but none us probed that statement further.

  Hector showed us to a huge open-top sedan, and we all piled in for the short ride to our base of operations. Shamus and the dog sat up front with Hector. They were chatting for most of the trip, but the wind from the ride drowned out their conversation. Because of that I was unprepared when Shamus turned around and looked at me with a face that was familiar, just not on his shoulders.

  It wasn’t exactly me, but in a dark room it would have been hard to tell. I looked over at Ramón, but his eyes were closed and his chin was resting on his chest. When I looked back, it was Sha again, now with a half grin on his face. He answered my quizzical look.

  “Hector was explaining his method to me, and I thought I would give it a try.”

  “Just like that?”

  He shrugged. “I just tried to imagine myself real ugly.” He giggled to himself and went back to talking with Hector. I spent the rest of the ride thinking about all the things I could accomplish with that much untapped talent. It certainly wouldn’t be teaching the most worthless dog in the world to do stupid tricks.

  Our top secret base turned out to be a ranch-style house in a sleepy residential neighborhood. Most of the homes were some varying shade of brown, with a well-kept lawn and a few olive or lemon trees.

  We pulled into the driveway of a pink house with light blue trim. There was a small herd of plaster elk loitering around the property, as well as a number of tiny elves in funny hats hiding among the shrubbery. The one tree in the yard had the top chopped off of it and was carved into a sort of tree table with chairs.

  Ramón woke up, looked around with a c
onfused look on his face, then asked me, “Where the hell are we?”

  “Home, I think?”

  “Do you like it?” Hector asked. “I found it a month ago, and I’ve been busy adding homey touches.”

  “Good Gods, man.” Ramón shook his head as he walked up the driveway.

  I told Hector, “I think he likes it,” and got a relieved smile for my effort.

  By the time I walked in the front door, Ramón had a beer in his hand and was sitting on a couch with his feet up on a sturdy coffee table. The man moves fast.

  There waiting for us was the rest of the crack team that was supposed to make sure we were kept safe on this little adventure. The last time we all hung out together we fought an Angel in a hotel suite, then drank the night away at O’Kelly’s Tavern. Of course the reason we ended up fighting the Angel was because those same guys seemed to think it was a great idea, so the idea of them protecting us was probably overblown.

  Alek, the team leader, was impeccably groomed as always and dressed in a suit that royalty would have felt comfortable in. He met me and Sha at the door with a handshake while Nero, who was in the dining room fiddling with firearms, called out a greeting and waved in our direction. Nero is Alek’s lieutenant and the final member of the team. He and I fought in an alley once. I won. Not that it matters, of course.

  Alek gave us a quick tour and then showed us to our room. Singular. It did have bunk beds. Such a treat. Willie climbed up on the bottom bunk and did a few circles before plopping down. In my mind, that meant I had the top bunk.

  We had barely put our bags down before Ramón poked his head in and told us to follow him. By the time we got to the dining room, Nero had cleared the guns off the table, and they had been replaced with a large and very detailed map of the Middle East and a large bronze arm. Right after we arrived, Alek came in from the kitchen carrying a silver tray with scotch, a highball glass and a bucket of ice.

  Alek put a few ice cubes in the glass and filled it with a more-than-generous amount of amber liquid before placing it in front of Shamus. “It’s single malt.”

  “I should hope so.” He drained all of it before sitting down at the table. He started to reach for the arm, then looked up and addressed the crowd. “Are you all going to just stand there staring at me like I’m some sort of zoo exhibit?”

  “That was my plan. I popped some corn and have a beer.” Nero, not helping the situation.

  I said, “Maybe it would be better if we cleared the room of unnecessary onlookers.”

  Ramón put a somewhat friendly arm around Nero’s shoulders and led him into the kitchen, with Alek following behind under his own volition. Hector was trying to find a good reason to stay in the room. First he refilled Sha’s glass, then he went around the room with a feather duster. He had changed since we had arrived and was now wearing some sort of maid’s outfit.

  Shamus and I both couldn’t help laughing. “Hector, you can stay,” Shamus said, “but you’ve got to sit down and keep quiet.”

  He sat and crossed his legs in a rather feminine way. At least he was quiet. Shamus fiddled with the arm for a minute or two, then asked no one in particular, “Why do I keep thinking of crying?” After another minute he threw the arm down on the table. “Stupid thing. All I’m seeing is water and crying.”

  I just stayed quiet. I knew if I tried to help he would just yell at me.

  Hector wasn’t so smart. “Maybe it has to do with onions.”

  Shamus turned and faced him with all the annoyance he could muster. Hector took this as a sign to continue. “You know, when you cut onions, it makes you cry. Maybe it’s a town that produces onions?”

  “It’s not onions.”

  “Well, maybe a shallot. They look quite a bit like an onion. Same family, I believe.”

  Shamus put his head in his hands. Hector asked me in a whisper, “Do you think it’s shallots?”

  “It’s Tyre, isn’t it? Sounds a lot like tear.”

  That came from Nero, who was standing in the doorway. He walked over and pointed to a spot on the map. “Right here in Canaan.”

  Shamus looked at the map. “Yeah, that feels right...mostly. But it’s not surrounded by water.”

  Nero asked, “Can’t you just read the arm some more?”

  Shamus shook his head. “Nope, it’s empty.”

  I knew from experience that there was no use pushing it any further, and luckily Nero let it go. He left the room and moments later came back with Ramón and Alek. Alek addressed the group. “Well, gentlemen, it sounds like we have got a target.”

  Shamus just shrugged. I said, “That’s probably as close as we’re going to get right now. I bet when we get to Tyre, Sha will be able to get a stronger reading.” Shamus was shaking his head no, but I ignored him.

  Alek took it all in stride. “Excellent then, we leave tomorrow. In the meantime, dinner is just about ready.”

  Dinner turned out to be a hearty fish stew that Alek made from scratch. Apparently it was a local specialty that took advantage of the abundance of fresh seafood available.

  After dinner Nero pulled out a deck of cards and we played a few hands of Ganjifa. It was only a few because they kicked Shamus out due to his uncanny knack of knowing when his opponents were bluffing. So instead Sha and I decided to walk the dog into town and take in the scenery. We had been cooped up on public transit all day, and even Shamus, who was usually allergic to physical exertion, was up for getting out and stretching his legs a bit.

  The safe house was on the outskirts of Calabria, and it took us a good half hour to get to the market square. It was just after dark and a weeknight, but the shops and restaurants were still bustling with people. Their dialect of Mycenaean was way out of my league, but Sha seems to pick up languages quickly, so I let him do the talking.

  When we asked around, we found out that all of the shops closed for a few hours at lunchtime, and everyone goes home to take a nap. Then they come back refreshed and stay open late. Shamus thought the midday nap was a great idea, but not necessarily the working late.

  There were quite a few dark-haired beauties that were sending signals my way, but I wasn’t about to bring them back to that ridiculous hovel to share a bunk bed with Sha and Willie. So after sampling some of the local cuisine—and Shamus enough barley wine for the both of us—we trudged back home to find the crew right where we had left them: at the table playing cards. There was just more empty glassware and a thicker layer of smoke.

  I made the mistake of stopping to chat with Ramón for a few minutes, and when I got back to the room I found Shamus passed out in the top bunk and Willie still curled up on the bottom. After weighing my options, I decided to forgo sleep and play some cards with the boys.

  I’m pretty good at cards because I don’t have any tells. It’s just a matter of keeping one’s emotions under control, and after being friends with Shamus all these years, I’ve become an expert at doing just that. We ended up playing till the wee hours, and I came away with a stack of mismatched bills I didn’t recognize but was promised was official currency somewhere.

  The bed situation had improved somewhat while I was fleecing the drunks. Willie was still on the bottom bunk, but he had settled near the foot of the bed. Shamus was lying close enough to the edge of the top bed that I figured I could slide him off and maneuver him onto the lower bunk. It didn’t end up being as easy as I thought it would be, because he had a death grip on his blanket.

  With some effort and a few quiet curses, I was able to move him and the blanket one level down, which finally left me with a bed, but no covers. At that point, fed up and exhausted, I curled up in a ball for warmth and went to sleep.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I woke up to the smell of coffee and bacon. Shamus and Willie were still asleep, snuggled up among a pile of blankets. Many ideas cros
sed my mind, but I’m not a particularly vindictive person, so I put aside those tempting ideas and instead took a warm shower and shaved off a few days’ worth of stubble.

  I found Hector in the kitchen, working in front of the stove. He greeted me when he saw me, and pointed me in the direction of the coffee. I poured myself a cup and sat down at the kitchen table. I asked about Alek, Ramón and Nero and was told that they were out setting up transport and equipment.

  “Alek told me to make sure you two were fed and ready to go by the time they returned.” He scrunched up his brow. “What does the dog eat?”

  “The same as us, just in a bowl. Maybe mix some whiskey and ketchup in with it. I know, it’s ridiculous.”

  “I think it’s amazing, the things Shamus trained that dog to do. I wish I had a noble beast like that to go with me on my adventures.”

  I think I saw a tear glistening in the corner of his eye before he turned back to his cooking. After that little speech, I questioned Hector’s sanity a bit more, but I was hungry so I let it go. A few minutes later Shamus came shuffling in with his “noble beast” in tow.

  Hector served breakfast to Shamus and Willie first, followed by me almost as an afterthought, before sitting down with a plate for himself. Willie sat at the table with us, but he ate straight from the bowl. Shamus was too groggy in the morning to fiddle with the fork feeding.

  It wasn’t long after breakfast when Alek and Ramón returned from the docks. Alek broke the news to us about the transportation that would be getting to our destination.

  “As you all know, Tyre is in Canaan, a country that is not exactly on friendly terms with the Alliance. They probably wouldn’t take kindly to a strike team operating on their soil, so we have to find a way to get into Tyre without immediately being flagged and deported.”

  I asked how they would know who we were and why we were there. Alek answered, “There are checkpoints with security officers at the train stations and where the major highways enter into Canaan. We could probably glamour them, but you and Shamus couldn’t.